Hugs and Kisses and lots of Kleenex, 2010

So the start of a new year begins, and naturally I start re-evaluating just what the last 365 days were made of. What have I learned, how have a changed? Please god, tell me I grew somewhere-SOMEHOW, and hopefully not just in the waistline. Now I definitely would never label myself as the glass-half empty type, but to put things mildly, I recall 2010 as being cruel. Sometimes life has a way of "putting things into perspective" for you, meaning you didn't volunteer or want it, but life's gonna go ahead and be asshole anyway. And hey, if you can handle it-meaning you don't do a downward spiral into over indulging prescription pills or alcohol, and end up holding a cardboard sign on the side of the I-5-eventually things begin to look up.

My first memory of last year was waking up in an apartment I had just moved into after having to move out of the place I shared for a year and half with my then boyfriend. I'll spare you the details, but it ended abruptly, and it wasn't what I wanted. I woke up, not realizing where I was for a minute-I didn't recognize my room, and yet there I was, most of my belongings still in cardbaord boxes surrounding my bed. When it finally registered, I remember breaking down into tears, not just a few-where a couple run down your cheek,slightly smudging your mascara, that you can tenderly wipe away and gather yourself together. No-the floodgates had opened;red nosed and snot producing-full blown hysterical bawling. And all I could feel was the weight of my sadness crushing my heart-physically. I just wanted to be back in our apartment, in our bed, watching our dumb boxed dvd sets of 24 or 30Rock. Time traveling skills would have come in handy then. The life that I loved, and cherished and wanted forever was gone as I knew it...pulled from underneath me like a table cloth in one of those tricks where, you know, the guys pulls it really quick and none of the plates topple over. I remember trying to go back to sleep, just so I wouldn't have to face the pain of being in reality. It was truly the most profound sadness I'd ever felt in my 25 years. If there were an acceptable, non-selfish, non-religiously condemned way to find eternal sleep, I would have chosen it at that moment. I despised being awake for the next 7 months. And for a girl who governed her life looking for the silver lining, I couldn't find one.

I've never known how to outwardly express unhappiness, so people thought I was fine. That it was your run-of-the-mill break up and yeah, you hear about them a million times a day-but for me, I had lost my purpose for being here. Me. I was repulsed and ashamed of myself. I had invested too much, whole heartedly and now I blamed the end of a relationship for destroying my life, when it should have never made my life to begin with. I had NO desire to date. I went into spinster mode, most Friday nights were spent in over sized sweats steaming artichokes and watching Law and Order reruns. Detective Stabler became my pseudo boyfriend.

My life imitated the directions on a shampoo bottle, except it went like this: work, cry, sleep, repeat. There was never a light bulb moment where I was like "I'm great!", it was more like days and days and days passed. And I learned to be okay, and eventually I was okay. I started going to church, it was the only place I felt sane. I know church isn't for everyone-but anything that makes me feel like I'm not the biggest thing in the universe, and there is some greater call to being here then living at the whims of people I date-made me feel better. I re-focused my career, started writing again, spent time with close friends and laughed. And laughed and laughed. Like in the spring, when all through fall you had nothing but grass, and one day you walk outside to notice a little yellow flower growing that you hadn't seen before. I emerged, everyday a little happier and a little more okay than I was yesterday. Phewwww, I really didn't think I was gonna make it there for a while.

I guess what I learned in 2010, is that even when you've hit rock bottom, on your hands and knees, completely broken and desperate and you think you can't go on one more day. Guess again. Cause unfortunately, like your happiness-your sadness is just as fleeting. And if you can hold on, one day you've got a good chance at finding it again.